A list of the top things that get on the nerves of the people who run your
company's IT Dept.
- When a tech says he's coming right over, log out and go for coffee. It's no
problem for us to remember 2700 network passwords.
- When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it buried under
half a ton of postcards, baby pictures, stuffed animals, dried flowers, and
trophies. We don't have a life, and we find it deeply moving to catch a fleeting
glimpse of yours.
- When tech support sends you an e-mail with high importance, delete it at once.
We're probably just testing out the email system.
- When a tech is eating lunch at his desk, walk right in and explain your
problem(s) and expect him to respond immediately. We exist only to serve and are
always ready to think about fixing computers.
- When a tech is at the coffee machine or outside having a smoke, ask him a
computer question. The only reason why we drink coffee or smoke at all is to
ferret out all those users who don't have e-Mail or a telephone line.
- Send urgent e-Mail ALL IN UPPERCASE. The mail server picks it up and flags it as
a rush delivery.
- When you call a tech's direct line, ignore the bilingual greeting that says he's
out of town for a week, record your message, and wait exactly 24 hours before
you send an e-Mail straight to the director because no one ever returned your
call. You're entitled to common courtesy.
- When the photocopier doesn't work, call computer support. There's electronics in
- When you're getting a NO DIAL TONE message at home, call computer support. We
can even fix telephone problems from here.
- When something's wrong with your home PC, dump it on a tech's chair with no
name, no phone number, and no description of the problem. We love a good
- When you have a tech on the phone walking you through changing a setting; read
the paper. We don't actually mean for you to DO anything; we just love to hear
- When we offer training on the upcoming software upgrade, don't bother going.
We'll be there to hold your hand after it is done.
- When the printer won't print, re-send the job at least 20 times. Print jobs
frequently just disappear for no reason.
- When the printer still won't print after 20 tries, send the job to all 68
printers in the office. One of them is bound to work.
- Don't use online help. Online help is for wimps.
- If you're taking night classes in computer science, feel free to go around and
update the network drivers for you and all your co-workers. We're grateful for
the overtime when we have to stay until 2:30am fixing them.
- When you have a tech fixing your computer at a quarter past one, eat your lunch
in his face. We function better when slightly dizzy.
- Don't ever thank us. We love this AND we get paid for it!
- When a tech asks you whether you've installed any new software on this computer,
lie. It's nobody's business what you've got on your computer.
- If the mouse cable keeps knocking down the framed picture of your dog, lift the
computer and stuff the cable under it. Mouse cables were designed to have 45
lbs. of computer sitting on top of them.
- If the space bar on your keyboard doesn't work, blame it on us. Of course
keyboards work much better with half a pound of crumbs, nail clippings, and big
sticky drops of Cola under the keys.
- When you get the message saying "Are you sure?" click on that "Yes" button as
fast as you can. Hell, if you weren't sure, you wouldn't be doing it, would you?
- Feel perfectly free to say things like "I don't know nothing about that computer
crap". It never bothers us to hear our area of professional expertise referred
to as crap.
- When you need to change the toner cartridge, call tech support. Changing a toner
cartridge is an extremely complex task, and Hewlett-Packard recommends that it
be performed only by a professional engineer with a Master's degree in nuclear
- When something's the matter with your computer, ask your secretary to call the
help desk. We enjoy the challenge of having to deal with a third party who
doesn't know jack sh*t about the problem.
- When you receive a 30-meg movie file, send it to everyone as a high-priority
mail attachment. We've got plenty of disk space and processor capacity on that
- Don't even think of breaking large print jobs down into smaller chunks. God
forbid somebody else might get a chance to squeeze into the print queue.
- When you bump into a tech in the grocery store on a Saturday, ask a computer
question. We work 24 hours a day 7 days a week, even while at the grocery store
- If your son is a student in computer science, have him come in on the weekends
and do his projects on your office computer. We'll be there for you when his
illegal copy of Visual Basic 6.0 makes your Access database flip out.
- When you bring us your own no-brand home PC to repair for free at the office,
tell us how urgently we need to fix it so your son can get back to playing DOOM.
- We'll get right on it because we have so much free time at the office. Everybody
knows all we do is surf the Internet all day anyway.